By Hannah Reid
As a behavioral aide before, and now as a budding child psychologist, I’ve had the privilege of supporting children on the autism spectrum and their families over the last seven years. I’ve worked in classrooms, kitchens, sensory gyms, and therapy offices, and I’ve seen firsthand how complex a child’s relationship with school can be.
While some children run toward the schoolyard with curiosity and confidence, others face mornings filled with dread, anxiety, and emotional overwhelm.
For many parents, it can be hard to know what’s “just a phase” and what might signal something deeper. It’s common for children to say they don’t want to go to school, especially after weekends, holidays, or big transitions. But when this resistance turns into a daily struggle or begins to affect your child’s emotional well-being and daily functioning, it may be time to look closer.
When Is It Normal Not to Like School?
School is a complex environment that tests social skills, academic stamina, and emotional resilience. Kids are asked to follow rules, manage transitions, regulate emotions, and maintain focus all day long. It’s no wonder many children occasionally resist going.
Younger children especially may experience what’s known as transitional resistance—difficulty moving from one environment, like home, to another, such as school. This response is often developmentally appropriate, especially when the child adjusts once they arrive at school.
It’s typically not a concern when:
- The child settles quickly after drop-off
- Complaints are occasional and not distressing
- There’s no ongoing academic or emotional impact
In these cases, reassurance, routine, and gentle encouragement usually help children re-engage.
When It Might Be Something More
As a counsellor, my curiosity grows when I see avoidance becoming more consistent or intense. You might notice long morning meltdowns, stomach aches, headaches, or complete refusal to leave the house. Anxiety may start building the night before school, or your child might express fear about specific people, activities, or places at school.
Sometimes, a child who once loved learning suddenly withdraws socially or begins to fall behind academically.
This kind of persistent school avoidance isn’t about defiance or laziness—it’s a stress response. The nervous system is essentially stuck in survival mode. In psychology, we call this school refusal behavior, and it often connects to deeper emotional, social, or sensory challenges.
For neurodivergent children or those with anxiety, ADHD, trauma histories, or learning differences, the school environment can feel like a maze of triggers their nervous system struggles to manage.
Sometimes the child can’t articulate exactly what feels wrong. They just know that school doesn’t feel safe or good. Avoidance, in this sense, is a form of communication. Our role as caregivers, educators, and therapists is to listen to that message and decode what the behavior is telling us.
A Compassionate Approach: Empathy Before Strategy
Before moving to problem-solving, it’s important to start with empathy and attunement. Ask yourself: What might be happening beneath the surface? What is my child experiencing emotionally, physically, or socially that makes school feel unmanageable?
Rather than responding with pressure, meet your child with calm curiosity. You might say, “It seems like something about school feels really hard right now.” This type of response builds safety and reduces shame. It shows the child that you’re on their side, not against them.
Once the child feels emotionally supported, you can begin gently rebuilding their capacity to handle school-related challenges. Collaboration with teachers and support staff is key. Together, you might create gradual exposure plans, add sensory accommodations, or ensure predictable routines. For many children, predictability equals safety.
Evidence-Based Strategies That Help
Research and experience show that several approaches can reduce school-related stress and support re-engagement:
- Visual Schedules and Predictable Routines
Children regulate better when they know what to expect. Visual supports, consistent morning routines, and structured transitions help reduce anxiety and increase confidence.
- Collaborative School Plans
Partner with educators to create individualized supports. This could include quiet spaces, flexible start times, or check-ins with a trusted adult at drop-off.
- Gradual Exposure
Just like with phobia treatment, we can help children slowly build tolerance for school by starting small—attending partial days or beginning in safe spaces before returning to full classrooms.
- Celebrate Small Wins
Acknowledge effort, not just outcomes. Saying “You got dressed even though you felt worried” reinforces bravery and builds resilience.
- Teach Emotional Tools
Simple coping strategies such as deep breathing, grounding exercises, or creating a “calm kit” can empower children to manage big feelings. A counsellor can help teach these skills in a child-friendly way.
When to Seek Professional Support
If your child’s resistance is persistent, worsening, or interfering with their emotional well-being, therapy can help. As a clinician, I often work with children to explore the roots of their distress and develop healthy coping skills.
Approaches such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Play Therapy help children identify anxious thoughts, understand their triggers, and learn to challenge fears in manageable steps.
Family therapy or parent consultation can also be transformative. Many caregivers feel torn between showing empathy and enforcing school attendance. Having professional support can bring clarity, consistency, and reassurance that you’re on the right track.
In Closing: Trust the Signal
If your child is struggling with school, you are not alone—and neither are they. School avoidance is often a signal, not a failure. With patience, empathy, and support, children can rebuild a sense of safety and confidence.
School resistance doesn’t mean your child lacks resilience. More often, it means they’re overwhelmed and trying to protect themselves in the only way they know how. Our role isn’t to push them through the fear but to walk beside them until they’re ready to take that next step.
Hannah Reid
Counsellor at Innerlogue Therapy & Psychology
Hannah provides counselling for neurodiverse children, adults, and families at Innerlogue’s Kensington location.
